Monday, February 15, 2010

Walmart, I Apologize

A few weeks ago, I may have made a disparaging remark about you on Facebook. I didn't understand why your evil minions greeters constantly targeted me, a normal mom clearly out just grocery shopping with my adorable baby, and would not let me leave the store without looking at my receipt and rifling through my bags to make sure I wasn't robbing you. I mean, really, ME? In my disgust, I may have accused you of profiling mommies.

Normally I would just take my toys business and leave, never to return to your (let's face it, kinda skeezy) store in response to this kind of treatment. I would love to make Harris Teeter my sole grocery store. Ah, to dream of carts that glide easily (it's like shopping on glass!), free cookies and balloons for the kids, and helpful teenage boys begging me with their cracking voices for the privilege of loading my ridiculously-priced groceries in the back of my minivan ALL THE TIME. But, darn you, Walmart, your low, low prices draw me back over and over again.

So today I visited you once more, prepared to hand over my receipt and be frisked at the exit. Libby sat ensconced in the cart, which was carefully covered with her horribly ugly but effective cart cover. At one point during our shopping excursion I handed her a bottle of dressing to play with. (Pretty ghetto. It would be nice if you'd throw a balloon the kid's way once in a while.) We finished our shopping and paid for our groceries. In hindsight, I should have been suspicious of Libby's good cheer throughout the checkout process. And for ONCE, I was not harassed at the exit. Your bouncer greeter just waved goodbye to me and my groceries. What an unexpectedly lovely time we had with you, Walmart!

Here is where we come to the apology. After unloading the baby and the groceries at the car, I pulled Libby's cart cover off the cart. What do you know? Out tumbled a bottle of Zesty Italian dressing. And it was RED HOT because we did not pay for it. We just walked right out the doors with that $1.50 bottle of dressing hidden craftily in the cart cover. My precious, adorable, innocent-looking baby is a thief. Walmart, you knew. All those times you held me up at the knew. It was not I you was Baby Face Nichols. And you were right. I was wrong.

Anyway, it was raining and cold. I won't lie. I had a little argument with God about the necessity of me dragging the baby back out into the rain to go give you your $1.50 for the dressing. I lost. Your employees were extremely nice to me about the whole thing and graciously took my money. (They probably felt sorry for me, being the mother of a hardened criminal and all.)

So, Walmart, profile away. Those babies will rob you blind if you don't keep tabs on them. And lately I've noticed Libby casing the yogurt aisle for that sweet-looking organic Greek stuff...I wouldn't put anything past her. See you next week, Walmart.


  1. Oh, Alison, that made me laugh....

    Just FYI, I have noticed they stop me and ask to look for the receipt if I have anything unbagged in my cart like something too big to bag... box of soda, case of water... I was so frustrated by this practice because it is NOT Costco that I had to ask WHY they kept stopping me. Anyway, that is what they said. They usually will stop someone if everything is not obviously bagged up!

  2. I wondered why I saw a picture of Baby Face Nichols posted on their customer service bulletin board! Looks like they are getting quite good at picking out the suspicious characters. Maybe they should take over airport security as well!

    I'm impressed with your integrity to go back immediately, rain, baby and all!

  3. Poor Libby has her father's genes. He took a sucker from the grocery store while in his grandpa's arms. His grandpa did not notice it until they got to the car and he too had to go back in the store and pay for the sucker. What can I say?


  4. NO! Not Libby!

    I'm so with you on this! I love Harris Teeter for all of the reasons you mentioned, but Walmarts prices always draw me back. Can I tell you how many times I've left Walmart and and said that would be my last trip? Yeah....we're still there all the time! Oh, well! :-)

  5. Efficient Baby strikes again!.....I am waiting on the same thing to happen to me, Eli "holds" things for me all the hold I really mean, throws, hides, opens....well you know! When it's my turn to return inside to pay for the ummm...misplaced item, I will now be able to smile and remember this FUNNY story about sweet efficient baby Libby! LOVE IT!