What About the Children?

Several people have wondered why my children were not part of Aunt Lindsay's wedding. Andrew and Adam could have been bell ringers, ring bearers, pages, or other general Little Lord Fauntleroy-type characters. We could have wheeled Libby and cousin Mary Caroline down the aisle in a red Radio Flyer wagon, a la the Duggars. They are obviously perfect candidates...why on earth were such adorable specimens of little people not prominently featured in Kyle and Lindsay's big day?

Well, what no one outside of my family seems to be aware of is that Children Ruin Weddings. At least, that is our family motto and has been since 1977 when Alison Ruined Uncle Kevin's Wedding. I was three years old when I was invited to be the flower girl in my uncle's wedding. I was old enough to take direction and old enough to know this was a Big Deal. My Aunt Terri's 3-year-old nephew Ryan was the ring bearer. All went well at the rehearsal. Ryan and I were given our places to stand and knew what to do for the big day. The day of the wedding, I marched down the aisle with Ryan sporting my Herself-the-Elf haircut and Holly Hobby-style 70's flower girl dress. I was Hot Stuff. But then that little fink poor, frightened child Ryan got stage fright and ran off to sit with his mom. This wasn't part of what we rehearsed. I got confused and tried to find my mom, but she was nowhere to be found in the sea of faces. I couldn't find anyone I knew. Until I saw her. The bride. My beautiful new Aunt Terri, coming down the aisle in her wedding dress and veil, clutching her father's arm. So I raced to Aunt Terri's side and walked down the aisle next to her and her father.

Aunt Terri and Uncle Kevin, heaven love them, did not seem to mind in the least. Aunt Terri said later she didn't even realize I was there next to her, what with her own wedding-day jitters. My father was a different story. (Of course, no one ever mentioned anything about Ryan Ruining the Wedding. Just Alison. Not that I'm bitter.)

Thus was born an ironclad, indisputable truth in our family: Children Ruin Weddings. In the last 32 years, never have any of the Moon kids appeared in another wedding as children. Whitney was lucky to squeak into mine as a junior bridesmaid at age 12. I could just hear my dad muttering under his breath about it, too, so convinced was he that Whitney was going to drool on the guests or pick her nose during the wedding.

The truth is deeply ingrained in all of us Moon kids. Lindsay and Kyle's golden retriever Murray stood a better chance than any children of being in the wedding. Besides, they really couldn't have crammed another name onto that program...

The last photographic evidence of a Moon child appearing in a wedding. This was taken right before I Ruined Uncle Kevin's Wedding.